Couples Therapy
“By attuning more intentionally to our emotional experiences, as well as the emotions of others, and in both communicating with and responding to those needs in healthy ways, we activate a process of relational soothing. Shame is replaced with acceptance, fear is exchanged for a deep sense of safety, sadness is lifted through the gift of presence, and pain is met with compassion and outstretched arms of comfort”.
-Unknown
My Approach to Couples Work
At the heart of my practice is a fundamental truth: human beings don’t outgrow the need for a secure attachment. Just as an infant instinctively cries out for a parent, adults wired for connection look to their romantic partners for survival and safety.
We all come into this world looking for someone who is looking for us.
When we feel securely connected, we can face the world with confidence. But when that connection ripples or breaks, our nervous system registers the distance as an existential threat—a state of attachment panic. It is from this primal panic that most relationship conflict is born. We can get stuck in a painful cycle— or dance— where we are either pursuing or withdrawing to protect ourselves. When the cycle takes over, it distorts how we see each other. We start to view our partner as the problem, convinced that if they truly loved us, they wouldn't hurt us or act the way they do. In the heat of these fights, it feels like they are intentionally causing the pain. We end up feeling unheard, unseen, profoundly misunderstood, and—most heartbreakingly—incredibly lonely in the presence of the person we love most.
In our sessions, we honor these responses as protectors of your attachment bond. Those frustrating moments of high conflict or heavy silence are actually desperate, hardwired survival strategies to help keep you safe and get your underlying attachment needs met. When you view your relationship through this lens, your recurring arguments completely change meaning.
As a Marital and Family Therapist rooted in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and attachment theory, my role is to serve as your temporary secure base. In the safety of our sessions, we will pull back the curtain to reveal what your pain is truly about. Together, we will slow down the frantic survival responses of your nervous systems, helping you "name and tame" the negative cycle that pulls you apart. I will guide you to drop your protective armor, access your raw attachment longings, and learn to reach for one another in a way that invites deep closeness rather than defensiveness. We aren't just modifying surface behaviors; we are fundamentally rewiring your emotional bond so your relationship can become a true safe haven.
The Pursuing Partner: When a partner feels the connection slipping away, their attachment panic flashes like a red alert. They might raise their voice, criticize, or push for answers. They aren't trying to be mean; they are desperately rattling the door, asking, "Are you still there? Do I still matter to you?"
The Withdrawing Partner: In response to that intense energy, the other partner’s nervous system goes into a protective freeze or flight. They might shut down, walk away, or logically defend themselves. They aren't being cold or indifferent; they are trying to lower the temperature, avoid making things worse, and protect the relationship from exploding. They are asking, "Can I ever get this right? Am I safe with you?"